Attachment Styles

Our first relationships we know are those with our parents or caregivers.  This subconsciously imprints the blueprint for how relationships “should” be and form our relationship attachment styles.

What can happen as an adult is that people try to impose their past conditioning and current relationship attachment style onto their partner.  

Attachment, or the attachment bond, is the emotional connection formed as a child with the primary caregiver. This is most likely from the mother. The quality of this first relationship and bonding experience will determine how well you relate to other people and intimate relationships throughout life.  

Throughout life, there will be experiences that will shape peoples emotional and relationship resilience and how people show up and respond in relationships, but the attachment style can provide clues to a partner’s behaviour and emotional responses.    

There are 4 attachment styles:

1.    Avoidant

2.    Anxious Avoidant

3.    Disorganised / Fearful Avoidant

4.    Secure

Avoidant, anxious, and disorganised are considered insecure attachment styles and secure is the most stable, consistent and emotionally reliable attachment style. Everyone is capable of change and the attachment style can be altered in different relationships.

Attachment styles are characterised by the behaviour exhibited in a relationship, especially when the relationship is threatened or there is conflict.  The attachment styles are not determined by socioeconomic factors.  There can be varying reasons for why a paren tor caregiver is unable to provide a secure attachment style.  

How to Heal and improve insecure attachment styles:

·     Improve nonverbal communication skills – these can be indicators of what is really happening and not what is perceived to be happening

·     Improve emotional intelligence – the ability to understand, manage and regulate emotions. This helps to improve the ability to communicate emotions and emotional needs.

·     Choose to engage in relationships with a secure attachment style partner  

·     Clear any past trauma

·     Work on improving attachment style before imparting this onto children

Avoidant

Avoidant attachment types are highly independent, self-directed, and are often uncomfortable with intimacy and forming close attachments to people and are. commitment phobic.

A common phrase they use is “feeling suffocated”, “needing freedom” and may complain about not having enough space.They can feel that other people want to control or change them in relationships and will always have an exit ready for the relationship or avoid long term commitment or intense emotional connection.

A high level of self-confidence maybe present in their personalities, but they may have a low expression of emotional warmth and empathy.  They will withhold emotions and rarely express vulnerability and will find it hard to rely on others.    

When partners want to see this attachment style more frequently and spend more time together, it can trigger the sense of being controlled and this can trigger them to control the situation by withdrawing, closing off, shutting down or ending the relationship.  

This attachment style can present predominantly in males, but can also be evident in females.

Children who have developed under the avoidant attachment style have learned to accept that their emotional needs will most likely remain unmet and continue to grow up feeling unloved and insignificant.  This can lead to them feeling that they are not valued, that their feelings don’t matter and that they are unlovable and undeserving of an amazing love, connection, intimacy and a high-quality relationship. The parent or caregiver would have been unavailable or absent either physically or emotionally during a child’s infancy.  As a result of the child’s emotional needs not being validated or fulfilled, the affected person was forced to distance themselves emotionally and self soothe.

Avoidant inducing parents can be neglectful through abuse or through necessity due to work commitments.  

The conflicting part for this attachment style is that humans are hard wired for connection and they crave closeness and sharing their life with someone, but find it hard to let it in and accept it.

Signs of Avoidant Attachment Style:

·      Emotionally distant

·      Avoids long term commitments

·      Struggles with intimacy

·      Keeps partner at a distant

·      Inability to show vulnerability

·      Withdraws emotionally

·      Shuts down easily

·      Will end the relationship quickly

·      Easily feels controlled

·      Craves space and freedom  

·      Correlates intimacy with loss of independence

·      Prefers to be alone than with someone else

·      Inability to rely on other people and to be fully available for other people

·      Avoids communicating emotions

·      Highly self sufficient

·      Disregards partners feelings and emotions

·      Will keep their partner at a distant and not fully involve and integrate them into all areas of their life

·      Has a higher level of short-term relationships and fewer long-term commitments

·      Feels and needs a strong level of independence

·      Dismissive of others

·      Can feel threatened when others try to build closeness and connection

·      Has a belief that they don’t need others in their life

·      Has commitment issues

Anxious Avoidant

Anxious avoidant styles are afraid of intimacy and commitment and will lash out emotionally and distrust anyone that attempts to get close to them. These people will spend a majority of time alone or end up in abusive or dysfunctional relationships and will need constant reassurance about their relationship and affection.  

People with this attachment style will have a lower confidence and struggle to express emotions and can have emotional outburst, especially under stress from expressing their emotions.  

They can have a distrust for people and find it difficult to ask for help and rely on others and avoid intimacy because of the potential hurt and heartbreak. Anxious types will not be able to rely on people for their emotional needs or to assist to resolve their problems. The behaviour they exhibit can be irrational, emotionally unregulated, overly emotional and unbalanced.    

There will be a high level of stress and a constant start of worry and nervousness about their relationships and will be more likely to attract unhealthy, toxic and abusive relationships.  These people will be needy, need constant reassurance, highly anxious and uncertain, lack self-esteem, crave emotional intimacy and have an unwarranted fear of rejection and abandonment.  

Anxious avoidant children will have a distrust for care givers and this creates a level of instability and insecurity.  They will seek approval from their caregivers and will be on a constant alert for changes in their care givers behaviours and the potential  fear of abandonment.  These learned behaviours from childhood tend to carry into adulthood and will often feel unloved, unimportant and unworthy by their partners and in relationships while having the inability to communicate and express love, connection and their own emotions.  In adulthood this can present as hyper independence.    The parent or caregiver was inconsistent in their parenting style, and being physically present and emotionally available and distracted.

This can create doubt, fear, instability and certainty that your physical and emotional needs would be not be met and provided for.  It demonstrates that the parent isn’t attuned to the child’s needs.  When the caregiver leaves, these children experience a high level of distress.  The parent and caregiver may also display signs of:

·     Being overwhelmed

·     Alternate between being over attentive and detached

·     Sometimes attentive and then quickly distant themselves physically and emotionally

·     Put the burden and feeling of being responsible onto the child for the parents’ behaviours, feelings and actions.  This can result in the child growing up feeling responsible for other people’s feelings and become co-dependent

Women tend to be more effected by an anxious avoidant style than men.

Signs of Avoidant Attachment Style:

·     Becomes fixated on the other person to the detriment of their own needs and mental and emotional well being

·     Blame themselves for any conflict or issues in relationships

·     Can be controlling and manipulative

·     Constant feeling of worry and dread about the relationship and it ending

·     Co-dependent

·     Craves closeness and connection but has an inability to trust

·     Creates connection through conflict

·     Difficulty being alone

·     Fear of abandonment

·     Fear of rejection

·     Feels anxious and jealousy when away from their partner

·     Feels unworthy of love

·     Highly emotional

·     Highly sensitive to criticism

·     Inability to express emotions

·     Inconsistent attunement and emotional awareness of others

·     Insecure in intimate relationships

·     Jealousy tendencies

·     Lacks boundaries

·     Low confidence levels

·     Low self esteem

·     Needs constant approval and reassurance

·     Needy, clingy and highly co-dependent

·     Overly sensitive to partners moods, actions and behaviours and will take things personally

·     Over reacts to perceived threats from the relationship

·     Triggered by the need for space or alone time from their partner

·     Self-worth is measured by their partners level of affection and involvement in the relationship

·     Struggles to maintain close and long-term relationships

·     Stuck on unresolved past issues which Impact present situations

·     Unable to regulate and easily communicate emotions

·     Unable to trust others

·     Worried about rejection and abandonment

Disorganised / Fearful Avoidant

Disorganised attachment is a combination of avoidant and anxious attachment styles. This stems from a fear caused as a result of childhood trauma, neglect or abuse and these people feel as though they are unworthy and undeserving of love and a healthy relationship.  Due to the abuse received as a child, as an adult, this person will tend to seek out toxic, abusive and unhealthy relationships as this level of conflict feels normal.  Having a healthy and emotionally balanced relationship can feel unfamiliar and the bodies nervous system has trouble regulating back to a normal balance and thrives on the drama, abuse and highs of constant fights and conflict.  

People with this attachment style have never learned to self soothe their emotions and relationships can feel unsafe and uncertain.

As children, these people may have shown intense rage and anger as they were never taught to emotionally regulate and process their emotions in a healthy and balanced way.  Their caregivers are inconsistent and can be both sources of comfort and fear, which creates the disorganised behaviour. The caregiver could also have neglected the child’s needs as an infant.

Signs of DisorganisedAttachment Style:

·      Abusive and dysfunctional relationships

·      Avoid intimate relationships

·      Childhood had elements of abuse, neglect or trauma

·      Controlling

·      Contradicting and unpredictable behaviours

·      Craves closeness, security and safety in relationships

·      Difficulty trusting others

·      Disassociates to avoid pain

·      Fear of love

·      Feels unworthy of love

·      Highly critical of self and others

·      High level of fear of being hurt, abandoned and rejected

·      Inability to trust

·      Insensitive to partners and others needs

·      Lacks empathy

·      Narcissistic tendencies

·      Selfish

·      Signs of avoidant and anxious attachment styles

·     Unable to provide a stable environment for their own children

·     Unable to regulate and control emotions

·     Unable to take responsibility for their actions and behaviours and cause of conflict in the relationship

·     Will swing between emotional extremes in their relationships, between a high level of love and affection and distance, distrust and even contempt for their partner

By being able to identify the partners attachment style and being prepared to work with them they can improve and change the attachment style over time.

Secure

Anyone with a secure attachment style is comfortable displaying affection and emotion.  They can easily be alone and independent, have a healthy level of self-confidence and are able to make the adequate amount of space and time for their partner and prioritise their relationships.   These people have clear and strong boundaries.

People with this attachment style have the ability to create harmonious and fulfilling relationships.  They are able to accept rejection and move on easily despite past hurt and heartbreak.  They are able to be loyal and trust worthy and can create a safe and stable relationship.

Strong relationships can be formed with romantic relationships and also friends and family.  These people can be vulnerable and open and are able to easily give to others and assist to meet others emotional needs.  

Signs of Secure Attachment Style:

·      Ability to build healthy and long-lasting relationships

·      Ability to seek emotional support  

·      Able to move on from past hurt and heart break

·      Able to emotionally regulate

·      Accepts partners need for alone time and separateness without feeling rejected or threatened

·      Attuned to partners needs and responds appropriately

·      Can be close and independent

·      Comfortable being alone

·      Comfortable expressing emotions, wants and needs

·      Comfortable and seeks out loving, emotionally stable relationships

·      Comfortable with intimacy

·      Depends on partner and can be depended on

·      Easily able to communicate emotional wants and needs

·      Easily able to regulate emotions

·      Easily trusts others and is trust worthy

·      Effective and open communication

·      Emotionally available

·      Feels safe and secure in relationships

·      Has resilience to overcome setbacks, challenges and able to easily bounce back

·      Maintains a healthy level of self-love and self-worth

·      Maintains and expresses boundaries and standards

·      Maintains a stable emotional balance

·      Not afraid of rejection

·      Open and can be vulnerable

·      Seeks help and assistance when needed

·      Self-aware

·      Sensitive, warm and caring parent and is attuned to child’s needs

·      Takes responsibility for own actions and behaviours

·      Thrives in close and meaningful relationships

As a secure caregiver or parent, this will create a secure attachment style in their own children.  As a child growing up in an environment with a secure parent, the child feels loved and cared for and has an ability to form healthy and long-lasting relationships. They are able to demonstrate confidence in their interaction with others and interpersonal relationships. This secure attachment style will continue throughout adulthood. The parent would have remained engaged and active and able to manage own stress and calm and soothe the child when they were distressed and were emotionally available and self-aware.  This strong foundation enables the child to be self-confident, trusting and emotionally resilient.  

If a secure partner is in a relationship with a different attachment style, over time the attachment styles can match and both become secure.